Big Questions ...

Inuit Mother and Child in Kimmirut, Nunavut,
© 2007, Joan Z. Rough

We've been home two weeks now from our trip. It's quite amazing how fast the memories of this latest adventure are beginning to shift and become lost in the everydayness of being home. It was a life altering trip for me in many ways. None is more relevant than the realization of how miniscule I am in the general scheme of things and how inarticulate I feel about explaining it to you or even to myself. Every time I go away, I change in some way and when I return I feel smaller than I did the last time I ventured out and even more inarticulate.

What does it all add up to? A more expansive view of the universe perhaps and my own connection to it along with the belief that though we are but a drop in the vast ocean of matter, are we not also an integral part of the chaos that is the whole of life and effect what lies around us?

When I reread my journal of just a few weeks ago and remember the Inuit people I met and how they live in what many would consider a remote, life endangering wasteland, I am warmed again by their hospitality and the true welcome they showed to a boatload of crazy white people from the south. They indeed live in a land that is dangerous. Weather and wild animals can make fast work of grown men or children in below freezing temperatures and the bellies of polar bears. Wasteland, it is not, though to a southern eye used to the greenery of trees, shrubs and manicured lawns it seems so. But the land is indeed rich ... in beauty, wildlife and what lies hidden underneath the tundra and mountains ... oil, uranium, gold, diamonds.

Now that global warming has set in the ice is melting fast and the greedy of the world are lining up to cash in on yet another frontier. Already the old ways of Inuit culture are dying out. Today's modern day settlements can be rife with problems brought from the south, such as alcohol. The suicide rate is higher here in the Arctic than anywhere else. The ground is often littered with empty coke cans and the shredded remains of bags once filled with chips and other junk food.

With the warming of the world, the Northwest Passage is opening up for a while each summer and as time goes on and it gets even warmer, it could remain open for most of the year allowing resources to be mined more easily. The Russians have already gone beneath the polar ice and planted their flag beneath the North Pole to claim the undersea land and what is hidden beneath as theirs. Prime Minister Harper of Canada, is already planning on building defenses through the Northwest Passage, including the building of new battle ships to protect their rights from intruders. And the good old USA, is out there too. As Alaska belongs to us, we too may have rights to what lies beneath and are already exploring the lay of the land beneath the ice in hopes of proving that it is part of our own continental shelf and our heritage.

The geologists on board the ship, assured us that the earth would be treated with respect and that the Inuits would gain jobs and as much from the mining as the rest of the world. But I've seen too much in my soon to be 65 years, to believe that. These same geologists are hired by the mining companies to assess the goods beneath the earth. And it is the mining companies who do the environmental impact studies, not independent groups who have no interest in the money that will be lining the bottomless pockets of money hungry white people from the south.

I'm left feeling anger and mourning for the our planet and all of the people on it. What will we gain by stripping the earth of all of these resources? What are we gaining by paving the world with asphalt and concrete? What are we gaining by making war over natural resources? Is it really true, as I heard quoted on NPR yesterday that this is a capitalistic society and therefore if you have money you can do anything you want? This said by a man who is planning to move into a brownstone in New York City across the street from the location of an African American Drumming Circle that has been in place in the same neighborhood park for thirty years. But he says the drum circle is noisy and goes on every Saturday from 11 AM til late at night. And of course there are too many people who attend. He says they should leave and go somewhere else! Could it be that the people are mostly dark skinned and that is why this man complains? Could he not plan on moving somewhere else?

I pray that the geologists, the mining companies and our global governments wake up and that I am mistaken in my own ranting!

A Handbook For Explorers ...

View From Sisimiut, Greenland; photograph by William H. Rough

I'm taking a break today from my travels to mention two links that I have just discovered. I stumbled on Lucy's blog a while ago and feel I have found a new friend. In today's post she sent me to Compasses, an astounding collaboration of poetry and photography. Lucy is the photographer, Joe, her partner is the poet. Beautiful, inspiring words and images, I doubt I'll find anywhere else. Please give them a view! I don't think you'll be dissapointed! Be sure to view Compasses as Lucy directs you.

Above The Tree Line ...

Tundra And Mountain Views, Near Pangnertung

The day we flew out of Ottawa we left a rain soaked, green landscape ... lots of trees and farmland. We headed almost due north to Kuujjuaq (sounds like koojoowac), a settlement of about 2,000 people, off Ungava Bay, where we boarded the ship. It once was an American military base (where haven't we been?), located in Nunavik, the province of Quebec's northermost region of about 500,000 square kilometers.

When we landed, it was to a completely different landscape of rock and trees only several feet high. It was a misty, gray day and clearly we had already passed above the tree line where trees grow only in stunted forms.

The next morning when I woke I saw no trees in sight. It wasn't until several days later when we went ashore, that I discovered the trees ...

Willow tree with hand to show scale

These trees, only inches tall and laying almost flat on the ground, can be very, very old. This is big sky country for sure ... if you were landing with a parachute it could be painful if you landed in a rocky area.

The tundra on the other hand is soft and spongy where I sat down and took the next photo of some Arctic grasses ... a lovely spot for a nap.

Polar Bears ....

I have to start this post by saying I did not photograph this bear on this trip. I took this shot in 2002 while on my first Arctic expedition. We were on a different ship at the time, cruising through the Svalbard Archipelago, some 600 miles south of the North Pole. Ice was very much in evidence. We saw numerous bears on that trip. They are fine swimmers but cannot swim very long distances. They need be on ice floes in order to hunt for the ringed or bearded seals that are the mainstay of their diets. With global warming the ice is melting earlier and forming later every year. The bears become stranded on land far from the ice pack. Though they may feed on ducks and geese or even berries, with loss of their ice habitat and the thick blanket of fat a diet of seals provides beneath their fur, they are in danger of starving and have difficulty reproducing. We did not encounter ice floes like this on this trip, but we were much farther south, even though we were above the Arctic Circle at times.

However I did see two polar bears on this last trip one early morning before breakfast, when we loaded into the Zodiacs and made our way through the Lower Savage Islands. The name of these Islands is apt ... they are cold and bleak. It was windy, foggy and sleeting at the time, sometimes heavily, so I did not bring my camera along, only binoculars. Though I was mostly warm, I had brought the wrong gloves with me and by the end of the hour and a half long trip I thought I would lose some fingers. I had also packed the wrong rainpants, throwing in an old pair of light weight ones instead of the the heavy duty ones I would have packed if I'd had my head on straight. We stayed in the Zodiacs the whole time, no walking, no moving around. I thought about how one might survive in an environment such as this if we couldn't make it back to the ship. I came away with a deep respect for the Inuit peoples who inhabit this land.

For birds on this stop we say Fulmars, Black Guillemots, Red Throated and Common Loons, Eider ducks, Glaucous Gulls and a small bird called a Northern Wheatear.

For more info on Polar Bears go here.

The First Couple of Days ....

Arctic Cotton

The first couple of days on board ship, I was fighting a sore throat, runny nose, you name it .... so I didn't go off with the rest in the Zodiacs, hoping I'd win the fight with the germs and have some healthful days ahead! Well, ha, ha on me! I'm still sick with bronchitis after all that, so I'm glad I gave up and finally went about doing what I could do!

It's a busy schedule on board the Explorer. You might think, well, there she was sleeping and relaxing, perhaps reading a good book ... but hey, this was about EXPLORING and going on EXPEDITIONS ashore to learn about the local culture and perhaps to catch a glimpse of some local wildlife. In between trips there were lectures to attend about the flora and fauna of this place called the Arctic, movies directed and produced by one of my favorite expedition leaders, Culturalist, John Houston, (not to be missed) and new friends to be made in the lounge over a brew or glass of wine. Dinners were mostly late .... 7:30 to 8 PM, and most nights I tumbled into the sack after my last bite. I sometimes read for a few minutes before falling sound asleep, lulled by the motion of that big cradle I was living in. Instead of fighting the pitch and roll, I decided it best to just go with the flow and sure enough, within a few minutes, I'd be out cold.

At around 6:30 AM, we'd be awakened by the voice of Head Trip Leader, Matthew Swan, over the intercom, telling us when breakfast would be served and when we would be expected to climb into the Zociacs for a cold, early morning excursion to shore; whether it would be a dry or a wet landing (you had to dress accordingly); what the temperature of the air and water was in Celcius; and of course the "Rock Report," by none other than, head rock hound and a Senior Research Scientist at the Geological Survey of Canada, Marc St-Onge, who has to be one of the happiest, most enthusiastic (mostly about rocks) people I've ever met. He would usually give a two or three word quip for the geologists and the rest of us who were interested, about which ancient "craton" we might find evidence of when we went ashore. (For the uninformed, a craton is a continental landmass created some 1.8 billion years ago, during a period of global amalgamation of the then existing continental landmasses.")

Lunch was always a full meal with an appetizer, a main course and dessert. After a while I had to ask for just a salad which was always a huge, fabulous concoction of fresh greens and vegatables with cheese or chicken or smoked salmon. The food was good, especially the soups. There was fruit available at all meals, but because fruit doesn't last a long time, there wasn't the variety I was used to. Anyway, I was really afraid I'd come home looking like a blimp! I still haven't weighed in and won't until I have a couple of week's worth of green smoothies for breakfast under my belt ... I am getting there! What I don't know won't hurt me, is my attitude toward vacation weight gain!!

Lovely Ottawa ....

To Begin at the beginning, Bill and I spent a couple of nights in Ottawa, capital city of Canada, before we left for the Arctic. We flew in just as the sun was setting into a moderate sized airport surrounded by farms. On the way into the city, I enjoyed the mild evening air blowing on my face and the sound of crickets and cicadas singing just as I hear them here at home. The sides of the road were uncut and green, dotted with Queen Anne's Lace and other late summer wild flowers. The city is so green and spacious I didn't realize we were there until we were smack downtown in the middle of it all.

The next day we watched the changing of the guard at the Parliament and took a fascinating city tour to learn more about our surroundings. We do this every time we go to a new city and find it really helps to get ourselves oriented as to where we are and what interesting sights we might like to return to at another time.

Though Ottawa is definately inland, there is water everywhere. The Ottawa and Gatineau Rivers plus the Rideau Canal Waterway provide water access throughout the city to those with kyaks and other small boats. In the cold northern winters the water level of the canal is lowered and people are able to skate to their places of work. There are bike paths everywhere and on Sundays, certain scenic parkways throughout the city are shut down to car traffic so that bikers and roller bladers can view the wonderful gardens so beautifully planted throughout the city. In the winter those bike paths become cross country ski trails.


There is a huge government run farm in the middle of it all where experimental crops are grown and school kids can go and learn all about where "Pizza" really comes from ... NOT Papa John's or Pizza Hut ... but the fields where the wheat is actually grown (for the crust) and the rest of the ingredients are grown. The children apparently get see pizza being prepared and to have a taste before they leave.

There are green belts galore and it is really difficult to feel that you are in a city when you visit Ottawa. It is quiet and so green ... I figure a country girl like myself could live in a city like this. I wonder if they would allow me to have a few chickens??? I was told that before I get real interested in moving to Canada I should visit in the winter!!! Oh, well!

There are many museums. The most fascinating to me was the Museum of Civilization which we didn't get a chance to see, but hopefully we will on our next visit ... yes, we plan to go back and do some more exploring at some future time.

Just a few blocks away from the middle of the city is a wonderful market where you can buy food, plants and just about anything else you might want. The veggies and fruit sure looked good. You apparently have to live within 75 miles of the city in order to sell produce at the market.

We bought a cup of berries for a late afternoon snack!

In the coming days this would be the last of the berries we would see, except I did get to taste a handful of warm blueberries that I picked myself on the the tundra in Greenland on our last day!

Back On Solid Ground ...

the little ship, M/S Explorer

This ship was my home for the past two weeks. I went on board on August 6th and disembarked for the last time on Sunday, the 18th. Though I am back on land, I still occasionally feel the pitch and roll of being at sea. I was one of the fortunate ones who didn't get seasick, but did catch a cold and am still dealing with the remnants of that. The first week we had cold rain and some heavy seas ... the lecture hall and the dining room were often sparsely populated. The second week was quite mild with the sun peeking in and out between clouds, a few light showers and occasional glass smooth seas.

The Explorer holds 104 passengers and 53 officers, crew and staff. We plied the waters of the Canadian Arctic and Greenland. Most of the passengers were Canadians with a handful of Americans like myself and one Aussie. A number of the passengers have traveled on this ship before and continue to return every year or so to explore the magic of the Canadian Arctic. They are victims, like myself, of a disease called "Arcticus Feverous."


Our route at through the Canadian Arctic

This particular trip was entitled Rock Odyssey, because 30 or so of the passengers were geologists on a field trip for the Geological Survey of Canada. They came with maps and words most of us couldn't understand but did give us a basic understanding of 'plate tectonics' or how the earth came to be the way she is today through the movement of large, thin, but rigid pieces of the earth's outer layer which form the continents we are familiar with. And come to find out, it isn't over ... our continents are still drifting and pushing about, causing
earthquakes, tidal waves and eruptions that fortunately most of us
have not experienced.

Once on board ship we stopped frequently, traveling by Zodiac, to visit particularly interesting geological sights or small villages where the Inuit people of Northern Canada live. It was an amazing, life changing trip for me and I hope to share my experiences over the next days through this blog and my photos.

Loading the Zodiacs

Stay Tuned for more over the next days ....

The Lost Language Of Plants ...

Bhudda Garden, © Joan Z. Rough, 2007

I am off tomorrow for points north. I'd like to leave you with this quote I found in a wonderful book, The Lost Language Of Plants, by Stephen Harrod Buhner.

"It is only when we are aware of the earth and of the earth as poetry that we truly live. Ages and people which sever the earth from the poetic spirit, or do not care, or stop their ears with knowledge as with dust, find their veins grown hollow and their hearts an emptiness echoing to questioning. For the earth is ever more than the earth, more than the upper and the lower field, the tree and the hill....It is this earth which is the true inheritance of man, his link with his human past, the source of his religion, ritual and song, the kingdom without whose splendor he lapses from his mysterious estate of man to a baser world which is without the other virtue and the integrity of the animal. True humanity is no inherent right but an achievement; and only through the earth may we be as one with all who have been and all who are yet to be, sharers and partakers of the mystery of living, reaching to the full of human peace and the full of human joy."

Henry Beston, Herbs And The Earth

Honors ...

Balloon Flower After The Rain, © Joan Z. Rough, 2007

Becca, over at Becca's Byline has honored me by mentioning me on her list of "reflective" bloggers. I feel quite humbled by this, as Becca is one of the bloggers who really inspires me and keeps me writing.

Along with her and the others on her list, I would like to include many more inspirational bloggers that I haven't even met yet but are included in the new Artful Blogging magazine hot off the press today. Among them is my friend Susan from Visual Voice. I got to see an issue last week when Susan was visiting and it is truly beautiful and a whole new way to hook up with so many creative people. You may even find someone there that you already follow! Congratulations to all of those who were selected!!

Life Is Rich ...

Susan photographing a praying mantis consuming a butterfly!

Last weekend my friend Susan, from Visual Voice came for a visit. It was wonderful to have her here and to share with her life on the river. We ate well, talked and talked and went kyaking up Ivy Creek where we spent almost 30 minutes with a young Great Blue Heron who refused to be disturbed by us. We also saw Little Green Herons, Kingfishers and a variety of other birds that didn't want to hang out with us. I know Susan took some great photos of Big Blue and I'm sure if you keep checking her blog she will be posting some soon.

Yesterday, I attended a raw foods workshop where I learned to prepare wonderfully delicious uncooked foods right from the garden. We had a fabulous luncheon of cucumber and pineapple gazpacho, three different kinds of crackers made from nuts and seeds, zucchini "pasta" with both an Alfredo sauce and a pesto marinara and then tacos made with large leaves of Romain lettuce, filled with walnut meat filling, avacado, green peppers, cheese made from nuts and spicy salsa. There were tastes of veggie burgers with a sweet curry relish, a "massaged" salad of kale, avacado, lemon and salt, pickled veggies and for desert pecan cookies and real live fudge with raspberries and nuts. Oh my! I was stuffed and enjoyed every morsel.

I've been playing around with green smoothies for breakfast for a couple of months now and really enjoy them. They keep me filled up all morning with no need for snacks before lunch. I make mine with a banana, fresh ginger, seasonal fruits such as fresh peaches or nectarines, almond butter, greens such as spinach, turnip (my favorite), beet, chard or kale. I've also added zucchini, cukes, kiwi, or whatever else I might have on hand. I also add a bit of agave nectar, some strawberries and fill with water to the top . I've also experimented with a raw cream of shitaki mushroom soup and even my "Oh no, now what?," fussy husband loved it! I'm not sure I'll go all raw with my eating but I've started a new trend in the household and who knows where it will lead.

I signed up for a six week herbal class in September and am already reading and studying. I've harvested some St. John's Wort, which I'm making into an oil for aches and pains, made a mullien oil for ear infections and dried mint and lemon balm for later use. I've planted a number of new herbs and in the spring there will be many more.

At the end of this coming week I will go off on another adventure and when I get back will hopefully share pictures taken in Northern Canada and Greenland. I am very excited but also feeling a bit guilty for expanding my carbon footprint for this trip. But I am drawn to the North and the ice and feel that if I can bring back a message of its beauty and the need for habitat for wildlife like polar bears, I might be able to help just one person understand the devastation we are and have been causing our planet.

I am feeling hugely grateful for all of the opportunities that I am being given. Life is rich and so very wonderful!!

My garden, July 2007

A Favorite Kitty Flower

Cleo in the garden

This is Miss Cleo. She was my mother's cat and is just now beginning to feel like she belongs with that "Rough crowd" upstairs. Though she has lived in the same house as we do for over 6 years, she has always stayed in her own little patch of house and garden downstairs in my mother's apartment. She is afraid of our dogs, Molly and Sam, and most people. She gets along with my cat Lilly, but she and Pepper give each other the evil eye.

When my mother adopted Cleo and her brother, Leo, 12 years ago, they were feral kittens ... about 6 months old. Leo was the bravest of the two but disappeared shortly after mom moved into the apartment downstairs. Cleo still remains to this day very shy and afraid of the dogs, but finally she is getting better. For a while, she seemed very depressed and I know missed my mother after she moved into the nursing home. I thought I might have to find another home for her with an older person with no other pets. But we've hung in there and it seems to be paying off. Sam doesn't want to chase her anymore and she seems to trust him just a bit.

Cleo has her very own special room next to my studio. It is also a store room for all my junk but she doesn't seem to mind. I've fixed the door with a hook and eye so that the dogs can't fit through the narrow opening and it's there that she spends most of her time when she is indoors. I feed her there and she has a kitty pan and cushions and blankets to snuggle in. She doesn't seem attracted to her old stomping grounds downstairs, except for the garden outside the door where she frequently sits, taking in the sun. She is a lovely, special flower!

Bits And Pieces ...

Garden Bouquet

This is a bouquet of bits and pieces from my garden ... bold zinnias, bursting blue balloon flowers, buttery yarrow, purple buddlea, lovely lavender and leafy sprigs of things that have already flowered and gone by, like false indigo. Of course the garden itself is a bouquet, best seen in person and as a whole in order to appreciate the different values of green, yellow, red, etc.

It's been a bits and pieces kind of week for me. A holiday right smack dab in the middle of any week always leaves me in a strange mood. Is it Sunday or Saturday? Why is tomorrow Thursday? And why didn't the mailman bring me the books I recently ordered from Amazon?

Add to that the fact that I spent 9 hours on Tuesday at our local hospital in order to have a kidney stone removed which in itself only took 30 minutes. I arrived at 11 AM for surgery at 1 PM, but it didn't happen until 4 PM. I was back home by 8:30 PM. The anesthesia completely knocked me for a loop and I ended up sleeping all of July 4th away, though I did wake up in time to see the movie, Sicko, (not to be missed) and a very spectacular fireworks display nearby. Yesterday I felt completely frustrated because I hadn't gotten much "accomplished" this week. A few bits and pieces of garden work here and there plus the surgery and the needed recovery time somehow didn't add up to getting "stuff " done.

If you ask me what "stuff" is I couldn't really tell you ... yes, there is the bread I wanted to bake and didn't, the laundry and all the other "things" that somehow became more important than taking the time to keep myself healthy by doing the bothersome surgery and then spending a sleepy day healing.

So, I'm grabbing a lesson from that lovely bouquet of flowers I just gathered from the garden. Each stem is a piece of something larger, and in the arrangement of flowers they become a piece of something larger still, increasingly more lovely. And so go my days as well, becoming weeks, months and years. What is most important is that the whole arrangement of flowers or days is a gathering of what was and is, right now ... an absolutely marvelous gift any way you look at it.

Medicine Gardens & Herbalism ....

Sheet Mulching, The First Layer

A couple of weekends ago I immersed myself in a subject I've been drawn to for quite a while ... herbalism. Kathleen Maier, a local herbalist was our teacher. Day one was spent discussing medicine gardens, permaculture and the herbs themselves. Permaculture is a land use system stressing ecological working relationships between all things and is built upon the ethic of caring for the earth. Using principles of ecology, appropriate technology such as solar or wind power, sustainable agriculture and the wisdom of indigenous people, permaculture is a system in which all life can and will thrive.

By using the method of sheet mulching, areas where you wish to plant a garden can be prepared without disturbing the soil by tilling. After choosing a spot for the garden, the area is mowed or weeded, saving the clippings and weeds to add to the sight later on. The next step is to put down a layer of cardboard or newspaper and then to thoroughly wet it down.

Adding Compost And Mulch

The next step is to place the clippings on top of the cardboard and a good layer of compost. Finally a 6 inch layer of seedless straw is placed on top of the site. Through the action of weather and decomposition the site will be ready for planting in about 6 months.

This weekend I will use this method to prepare several sites for trees that I plan on planting in the fall. Once the weather cools I will prepare sites for next summer's vegetable garden, using this years vegetable garden strictly for herbs. I will also fence the new vegetable garden since I have difficulty with our overpopulation of deer who insist upon pruning my tomato plants. I use Irish Spring soap and a foul smelling oil spray to help keep them away, but once they are used to the odor of something, they come right on back. Next time the groomer comes to clip the dogs I plan to keep the clipping to sprinkle about the plants. Maybe that will work better!!

More on herbs another time!

Retreat ...

The View From My Room

Last week I did something I've never done before. I took myself to a lovely inn on the Chesapeak Bay where I spent 3 nights and two beautiful days taking extra special care of myself. The Tides Inn has a wonderful spa where I indulged myself with a deep tissue massage, pedicure, facial and a reflexology treatment. I arrived there feeling sore, old and tired. When I left, I was a new person ... the low backpain was gone and I felt as though I was floating just above the ground. I napped often and sitting in the shade overlooking the shoreline, I read for hours. I walked into the little village of Irvington for exercise and enjoyed eating some wonderful seafood, too.

I'd never had a reflexology treatment before and found that it was just what the doctor ordered. Basically a massage of the feet, hands and a few other pressure points, your entire body benefits. There are points on the feet corresponding to all of the organs of the body and when you are finished everything is back in alignment and functioning well. I am still carrying with me the effects of this deeply relaxing time alone with just myself.

I often have a massage and do the occassional facial and pedicure, but I've never taken time like this before to do it all at once and to care for this shell that I live in as I navigate through life. I may just have to set aside a time once a year to keep up this very worthwhile activity.

Adventures ...

Cyclamen, © Joan Z. Rough, June 2007

I had a wonderful adventure this past weekend learning about permaculture and making medicine from herbs. I'm off on another today. Will be back next week with the details. I feel like a new person starting a new life.

Finding Beauty In Aging ...

Day Lily On A Rainy Day, © Joan Z. Rough, June 2007

Today it's raining ... sometimes just a mist but sometimes heavier with a touch of breeze that sets the trees and flowers to dancing. Day lilies, as their name implies, only last one day, marked by weather and creatures living within the flower's local. At the end of the day, they are finished blooming ... shriveled, twisted into new form with a beauty of their own.

My blogging friend, Deirdre, has written one of the most moving and powerful letters to a young woman about age, aging and agism, that I could ever imagine. Please take a moment to read it here.

Day Lily At Dusk, © Joan Z. Rough, June 2007

Life Goes On ...

Swamp Magnolia With Visitor, © Joan Z. Rough, June, 2007

I never realized how difficult this time would be ... "Post Mom" is what I call it. I'm completely relieved for both her and rest of the family ... it was a hard, long battle and especially painful for her. When mom was diagnosed with Small Cell Lung Cancer two years ago she was told that if she did nothing she'd have 3 months to live. If she did chemo she might expand that time to perhaps a year. Due to her incredible spirit and chemo, mom doubled that time, but it wasn't always easy. For the most part her sense of humor was intact until she fell twice in December breaking several bones. Until then she was just very tired and a victim of the awful chemo fog that so many chemo patience experience. She didn't like that very much, but after her falls, mom's spirit took a nose dive because she knew she was really losing control. She could no longer be her independent self, needing help with most everything. But thankfully she is not in pain now and is probably giving God and his troop of angels a run for their money.

As for myself I'm doing pretty well. I miss her and that she is gone hits me when I least expect it and am feeling most vulnerable. At first I felt like I'd been laid off from my job. My fabulous managing skills started annoying other members of the family. So, I've quit that work and am now trying to pull my own life back into some sort of managable form! You can hear the cheers in the background, I'm sure! There are the stacks of papers to be filed on my desk, on the floor and in numerous baskets around my work space. There are what seem to be hundreds of beading and sewing projects barely started and abandoned because I didn't have time or needed the excitement of starting something new, rather than returning to the same old, same old. And never mind that I need to clean out mom's apartment and put the remainders of her life in order.

Along with trying to do a little bit of the above, what I'm mostly doing is gardening and trying to spend as much time outdoors as I possibly can before the heat and the humidity of summer hit. I've been planting some new things to see how they grow and doing alot of thinning and pruning. I like the pruning the best right now. Somehow it feels like I'm pruning my life back, making room for my next adventures in "Earth School," as a favorite teacher of mine calls life.

I'm also taking naps most days, finding that after lunch I just can't go on being active. Many who have been in this place before, tell me this is the emotional and physical exhaustion caused by the ordeal of the past few months. They say it will linger for a while, as will the tears, the relief and the gratitude I feel for having been a part of the whole experience.

Lilliput Having A Cat Nap, © Joan Z. Rough, June, 2007

Welcome To The World Baby Anya ...

Anya Grace Allison Zabski
born 5/30/07
9 lbs. 8 oz., 20 " long

Baby Anya made her entrance on May 30, daughter of my nephew, Jesse and his wonderful wife Amanda. I haven't yet met Anya but hopefully during the next few months I'll have the chance, either here in Virginia or up in New Hampshire where they live. Anya is my brother Reid's, first grandchild and would be my mother's third great grandchild. Too bad Mom isn't here to greet Anya with us. But I have a feeling she is smiling from on high and sending this little spirit her best love. Zoe and Noah, my two grandchildren believe that Grammy Jo, as they knew her, is now their special angel who looks after them. I'm sure she is Anya's special angel as well.


When you love,
you complete a circle.

When you die,
the circle remains.

John Squadra, from This Ecstasy

In Memory Of My Mom ...

Josephine Zabski
March 6, 1923 - May 21, 2007

My mom, known by the family as Grammy Jo, passed on this past Monday at about 8:45 AM.
She will be greatly missed.

This quote for May 21st, her death date, from a book called, Offerings, Bhuddist Wisdom For Every Day, pretty much sums up what I've learned through this very magical journey with her.

"You cannot live sheltered forever without ever being exposed, and at the same time be a spiritual adventurer. Be audacios. Be crazy in your own way, with madness in the eyes of man that is wisdom in the eyes of God. Take risks, search and search again, search everywhere, in every way, do not let a single opportunity or chance that life offers pass you by, and do not be petty and mean, trying to drive a hard bargain.

Arnaud Desjardins

Thank you to so many friends and family who have lent their support through these last months. I could not have done it without you. May you all live in peace, may you all be healthy, and may your lives be filled with the unending love that you have so generously sent our way.
Blessings to you all!

Rainy Day ...

" ... we are not on this earth to accumulate victories, things, and experiences, but to be wittled and sandpapered until what's left is who we truly are."
Arianna Huffington, On Becoming Fearless

It's been raining all night and should continue most of today. It's a slow, steady rain. The kind that seeps into the earth, allowing flowers and trees to drink their fill. The kind that rootlets search for in the summer, when no rain is in sight and the grass browns in searing sun. The kind that saturates, permeates, penetrates ... like grief.

I have a friend who recently lost her sister to breast cancer. Another friend's mother has been in an assisted living facility for the past two years. She will be moved to the alzheimers unit in that facility within a day or so. My friend says she doesn't know who is having the worst time of it, she or her mother.

Everything is always in flux. Within our bodies cells die and renew themselves on a daily basis. Change is pervasive. As the earth spins, the seasons change, the years turn and we find ourselves marveling at where we've been and what will happen next. We wish the bad, sad moments away, reasoning that once we get through this rough patch the going will be smooth, only to find another challenge. Someone else I know calls those times, "more damned learning experiences!"

"If you don't have the wound of a broken heart, how can you know you're alive? If you have no broken heart, how do know who you are? Have been? Ever have been?"
Edward Albee, The Play About The Baby

The Truth Is ....

Tree Peony #2, 2007

The truth is I'm happy ... I'm happy that it's spring. I'm happy for all that I have ... people sending loving kindness ... the unexpected rain shower that helps my garden grow ... fresh local strawberries that fill the kitchen with wonderful perfume when I bring them home. I'm happy I'm me and not someone else who has more or less, or everything I've always wanted. I'm finding I need just what I have ... nothing more ... nothing less. All the things I've always wanted and don't have are completely irrelevant.

Yes, there is sadness and fear as well, but the happy part of my life is what fills me up and keeps me going. Working in the garden as I weed or transplant flowers to a new bed, I listen to the calls of cardinals and bluebirds as they go about their work of building new nests or feeding their young. Nearby in a dense grove of oaks, a wood thrush sings his magnificent, liquid song, proclaiming his presence. I, too, am here, doing what I can to make the best of what is.

My mother is dying, but sometime in the coming days, her third great grandchild will make her way into the world, a smiling bundle of joy we'll christen with hope and best wishes for a glorious life. We'll sing out her name and make her presence known ... a new life to rekindle an older flame as it fades.

This is the time of year that makes the great circle of life so obvious. As the tulips die back, Iris and peonies take their place. Soon there will be roses ... plump pink beauties I'll pick for the table ... their fragrance will fill the room. After a while they'll drop their petals on the linen cloth and once again I'll be reminded of change and how life has a way of moving on while I'm busy doing other things.

Susan's Metta Blast ....

Tree Peony blooming in my garden, May, 2007

My friend, Susan, at Visual Voice, is doing a wonderful thing! She is sending a Metta Blast out on her blog to hold all those in need in glorious healing light. You could say it's a prayer circle, in this case a Buddhist one. Metta is loving kindness and there is a special meditation just for sending that loving kindness to everyone you know, your special loved ones and even those you don't seem to have an easy time with. Used in the latter way, I believe it is the first step in finding forgiveness for those who have treated us poorly.

The meditation or prayer, is very simple. Start with yourself. Say to yourself:

May I be happy,
may I be safe,
may I be healthy,
may I live with ease.

Repeat this several times, relaxing more and more with each repetition. Then invoke the name of someone you would like to send loving kindness to and repeat it as many times as you wish. Some say that once is enough, especially if you have a long list of people you wish to honor. Others feel that repeating a given name many times is best. I really don't think there are any hard and fast rule. You may word your phrases differently if you choose.

Susan was kind enough to mention sending Metta to my mother who is in the final stages of a very aggresive lung cancer. We are guessing she has one to two months left. Hospice is involved with her care and they are doing a wonderful job keeping her comfortable. She has difficulty breathing at times, is constantly tired, and if unmedicated feels great pain.

I am deeply grateful to Susan for including us in her effort to bring love to everyone in the whole world. To her I say:

May you be ecstatically happy,
may you always be safe,
may you be healthy in body and soul,
may you live peacefully and with ease.

Thank you so much Susan!

What's wrong with this picture ????

Headline in today's local paper

Yes, that's right! A 19 year old UVa student, who used a "replica .45-caliber semiautomatic pistol" as a prop in a movie he and several other students were filming for a class project, was arrested on Monday. He remains behind bars until this morning when he will appear in court for a bond hearing. If found guilty of the misdemeanor charge of "brandishing a firearm," he could face up to a year in jail and a $2,500. fine. He could also receive University judiciary penalties for using the "BB gun" for the film.

Captain Michael A. Coleman of the University Police said, "his department received several 911 calls arond 11:20 PM, Monday, reporting a man with a gun in the area." When the force arrived at the crime scene with guns drawn, they were told by a another student that she was part of a group of students using the gun in a robbery scene they were filming for a class project. There were no other students arrested.

The University "prohibits the possession, storage or use of any kind of ammunition, firearms, fireworks explosives, air rifles and air pistonls on University owned or operated property without the express written permission of the University Police Department." In January of 2006, Virginia Attorney General, Bob McDonnell, issued a wirtten opinion that though the University "may regulate the conduct of students and employees, they may not impose a general prohibition on the carrying of concealed weapons by those holding permits."

In the wake of the Virginia Tech tragedy a week ago, there is no question that seeing a gun on any campus or in any public location, should and must ring alarm bells. However, it seems that paranoia is taking over in this case. The only crime committed here is that the students did not get written permission to use the "replica" from the police department or from their professor who had not been informed of their choice of props.

Why waste time and tax payer dollars on a trifle such as this? What about the bigger questions of stricter gun control across the country, especially by those who are deemed a danger to themselves or the general public??

Being Fearless ...

Last Monday afternoon I returned home from New York City, to the news of the senseless deaths of 32 students at Virginia Tech. I had spent the weekend attending the Omega Institute's, "being Fearless" conference. For anyone not familiar with the Omega Institute for Holistic Studies, it is located in Rhinebeck, New York. This year they are celebrating "30 Years of Awakening the Best in the Human Spirit." At the campus in Rhinebeck, you can attend a variety of workshops or retreats from yoga, to healing, to writing poetry, and so much more.

The conference was attended by about 2,000 people from all over the world. We listened to Al Gore, (a VERY funny man) speak about his own spiritual life and his hope for the world. Jane Goodall spoke about the environmental damage we are heaping on the planet and her reasons for hope that we will discover ways to stop the harm we are doing. On Sunday morning, we were inspired by Samdhong Rinpoche, a fully ordained Buddhist monk and Chairman of the the Tibetan Government in Exile.

Other keynote speakers included Arianna Huffington, nationally syndicated columnist and editor of the HuffingtonPost.com, and Caroline Myss, author of best-sellers, Sacred Contracts, Anatomy of the Spirit, and newly published, Entering the Castle. Nora Ephron, best-selling author of, I Feel Bad About My Neck: and Other Thoughts on Being a Woman, and screenwriter-director of such movies as Sleepless in Seattle and When Harry Met Sally, closed the conference with a witty talk about how she got started in the business.

I attended workshops with mystical scholar Andrew Harvey, writing teacher and author, Natalie Goldberg, former "economic hitman" for the World Bank, John Perkins and insight meditation teacher Tara Brach. These sterling examples of people living fearlessly in a crazy world, filled me with inspiration. I left New York feeling ready to face whatever was ahead, not knowing that as my train pulled out of Penn Station, 32 young people were being randomly slain by a hateful madman unable to manage his own bottomless sense of anguish.

The lessons of the conference are many, but my understanding of fear and fearlessness has become more clear. Fear is a fact of everyday life. The "fight or flight" instinct keeps all of us safe from the bully down the street, the snarling dog on the corner and the daily hazards we encounter along our paths. It's doubtful to me that anyone lives without fear of one kind or another. But when there is too much of it, people often can no longer relax. They are always looking over their shoulders, checking out places to hide from whatever it is that causes them angst. They can become hateful and snap, as that young man did on the campus of Virginia Tech.

The world we are living in is a very frightening place. There are terrorists, school shootings, political upheaval and war. Television, movies and all of pop culture is too often filled with violence and suggestions of hatred. The planet is warming and none of us knows what kind of a world our children and grandchildren will inherit.

By learning to manage our fear we can live a rewarding life amidst all of the chaos. I will no longer watch network news. Media coverage of the Virginia Tech event, in unending replay, confirms for me the insensitivity and disrespect our news people show for their fellow human beings. We can only change our world by slowing down and getting involved in activities that can make a difference. We can show respect for our environment by picking up litter while connecting with nature on our daily walks through our neighborhoods. It is amazing what a friendly smile and hello can do for the stranger we pass on the street. Sending emails to our governing officials telling them what we think, is an act that can bring about the changes we need in the world.

This is a wonderful time to be living on the planet! There is much work for us to do to bring about life affirming fearlessness! With everyone's help we can be living in a peaceful world!

Gardening

New Garden Project, April, 2007

"I have said on occasion that I think gardening is nearer to godliness than theology. … True gardeners are both iconographers and theologians insofar as these activities are the fruit of prayer "without ceasing." Likewise, true gardeners never cease to garden, not even in their sleep, because gardening is not just something they do. It is how they live."
Vigen Guroian

From the essay, 'On Leaving the Garden,' in "The Fragrance of God"

I'm not a church goer. As a matter of fact, I don't consider myself a member of any one religious group. If anything, I'm a hybrid like my car which runs on a mix of gasoline and electricity. My fuel is a mix of teachings from all of the great religious traditions of the world ... especially Buddhism. As a result of my tangled experiences as a child and religious instruction, for many years, I had difficulty uttering the words God or Prayer. But with age, I'm finding that those words are becoming a large part of my vocabulary and life.

It is when I'm out in nature or working in the garden that I feel closest to God, the Spirit, that I feel is the creator of this beautiful world and the joy and wonder that I am privileged to experience every day. You won't find me on my knees in a church ... it doesn't feel natural. But in the garden, look, there I am, taking the position as I weed or plant bulbs, muttering encouragement for growth.

The very acts of digging in the dirt, placing a seed or bulb, are for me sacred rituals, filled with hope for the future. They are a letting go of my need to control my life and the world around me ... a sacrifice, if you will, to the Spirit of the Earth, who will take my offering or not. I might not get anything for my effort, but I just might get the most beautiful blossom I've ever seen.

These days my prayers are for our planet, the earth ... my prayer is for all of us to help to bring her back from the destruction that we have placed upon her.

Have a Happy Easter, everyone!

For The Children ...

Zoe, in front, with friend, after their performance in "Oliver"

I spent this past weekend in Black Mountain, North Carolina, visiting my daughter, her partner and my grandkids! Zoe's school launched an all school production of Oliver, which was marvelous. Zoe played an orphan and one of the townspeople. She sang and danced and I had a wonderful time being a proud grandma among the many others who attended. I wasn't acting. I'm so thrilled to see this little woman growing into her life.

I can't help but wonder what she will be doing five years, ten years, twenty years from now. What will her interests be? Will she follow in her grandad's steps and inhabit the world of theater? Or will she be writing, painting or doing research in a lab?

I marvel at the joy and talent of all of the children (grades K through 8) on stage that day and pray that their world will be peaceful, safe and filled with beauty. We seem to be living in desperate times ... an unending war, environmental crisis, political chaos. We all need to work hard to bring an end to this instability ... for ALL of the children.

Thinking Blogger Award ... Oh my!

Deirdre over at Writing Anam Cara, has honored me with a Thinking Blogger Award. I don't know what to say, except Thank You! This award comes from someone I greatly admire ... someone who I feel is a natural writer ... and one of the most honest voices I've heard. She tells it like it is, simply, openly and to the point. Here's to you Deirdre!!

Now I have the honor of giving awards to 5 bloggers who have consistantly made me think, consider and reconsider. It's a hard task. There are so many excellent blogs out there. I wish I had time to read them all. There are some blogs on this list that have already received this award from others, but they speak to my head, heart and soul and above all keep me using my brain. I'm greatful that they are out there!!

Visual-Voice - Susan got me thinking about starting my own blog after I met her at the National Cathedral in Washington where we were both attending an Insight Meditation workshop. Her spectacular photography and inspirational words speak of spirit and compassion. She asks big questions that have stopped me in my tracks.

Tongue In Cheek - Filled with whimsy, positive thoughts, beautiful words and images. When I feel low, I visit this blog. My attitude is quickly readjusted!!

Beyond The Fields We Know - Lovely images and inspirational words about the natural world and the simple things in life. Reading this blog is a wonderful way for me to start a day.

Paris Parfait - Tara has a wonderful worldly blog asking tough questions about world issues and politics. She joyfully shares her personal world in Paris and her fabulous antiques in beautifully presented photos.

Becca's Byline - Becca has already received this award several times. Her inspirational posts about writing keep me tapping the keys. Plus she's one compassionate lady!!

These bloggers can continue the meme by presenting awards to their five most thought provoking choices of blogs. Some already have.

The Thinking Blogger Award Rules:

If you were named above and choose to carry this meme forward, remember to tag only those bloggers who stimulate your cortex … or something like that.

Please make sure you pass the rules to the blogs you are tagging.

If, and only if, you have been tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think.

Optional: Proudly display your 'Thinking Blogger Award' with a link to the post that you wrote (here is an alternative silver version if gold doesn't fit your blog).

Yellowstone ... Controversy?

Winter Landscape, Yellowstone Park, February, 2007

It seems my post of Adventures of a Wolf Watcher has drawn some fire. But that is what makes for interesting blogging. There is nothing like a good discussion. Whether we all agree or not is of little importance. The point is that we talk ... listen ... share our views. The older I get the more I appreciate how many differing views there are about just about everything.

In her posting of March 22, 2007, Watch Wolves Watch You, Skyblu launches an attack at two blogs, one of them mine (on the site go to "Don't Believe It's True? Click Here"). Skyblu's opinion of visitors to and the management of Yellowstone is scathing. Read it for yourself.

Ranting can be good. Ranting can make you feel better. But what ranting doesn't do is make you think clearly and it often doesn't paint a sane picture of the ranter. Believe me, I know, I've been there!

Skyblu's frustration is evident and she probably wouldn't believe me, but I agree with much of what she has to say. Yellowstone National Park is NOT wilderness ... the wolves are "wild" but they are habituated to humans ... they are collared so that they can be tracked and studied ... the National Park Service charges an entrance fee to the park and there are "guides" that you pay who will find the wolves for you or just about any other animal, mineral or vegetable that you are interested in viewing.

My husband and I went on our trip arranged by Natural Habitat Adventures. The guides, qualified biologists, were great in every way ... respectful of the animals as well as the 10 other individuals in our group. We talked often of the reality of wilderness, living simply, living wild, what the government is doing to help or hinder the situation, what each of us can do to change the ways of this screwy world and how we can be agents of change. We did do some hiking off the road to see the wolves. Most of us in the group with the exception of one person, were well over the age of 40. One was 80+. We did not harass the animals, throw our trash out the van windows or behave poorly in any other way.

Yes, I hated the snowmobiles and noise they create, even the "quieter" ones allowed within the park. I hate that the wolves are collared. I hate that the wolves were eradicated from the park in the first place and I hate that we, human beings, with our big brains have the hutzpah to think we can reintroduce wolves back into the area and expect them to be wild, when all we do is manage, manage, manage. But personally, I don't know a better way and I was there to see for myself what we have done.

I chose to go on this trip because I had never seen Yellowstone, and yes, I LOVE NATURE! I am a naturalist and have been a guide at the Ivy Creek Natural Area in Charlottesville, Virginia, where I ushered small groups of school children and adults through the area to show them what "wilderness" is all about in this neck of woods, on the East Coast of America, where urban growth is off the charts and isn't seeing a slowdown. The "Board of Supervisors" here in Albemarle County seems to approve, almost weekly, one more subdivision of 5oo homes. We don't have enough water for the people who already live here. There are big plans to expand one of the reservoirs and pipe water from it into another ... but it's years in the making and no one actually knows how well that will really work and whether it will be enough for the population by the time it is finally in use.

We need to accept that the world is a different place than it was and that it will never be the same again. We are in a planetary crisis. There are simply too many of us humans and we all to often seem to think we know what is good for the rest of the masses. This is not the time for ranting. This is a time for discussion, for teaching, for learning and for being respectful not only to wolves or polar bears, but to a other people. Change comes with education, hard work and acceptance of what we have to deal with.

Yellowstone Continued ...

Hot springs, Yellowstone Park, February 2007

These are not like the hot springs found in the western region of Virginia, where people go to "take the waters." These are really hot ... boiling hot ... you don't want to fall in hot.

Old Faithfull, February 2007

Coyotes, ravens and magpies feeding on an elk carcass, February 2007

These photos cannot in any way replicate the experience of being in Yellowstone. I wish I could take you there and show you what I saw. The excitement that the landscape provides along with the animals is stunning. On the day we left the park, heading south to the Grand Tetons, we traveled in a snow coach ... a van that moves on treads like a tank, rather than on wheels. We moved at about 35 mph while the snow was came down at about one foot an hour. It was like being in the most beautiful Christmas card in the world, with caps of snow weighing down the branches of Douglas Fir and other evergreens. It was an experience I will not soon forget.

Big Horn Sheep, Yellowstone Park, February, 2007

Bull Elk, Yellowstone Park, February 2007


Bison in the road, Yellowstone Park, February, 2007

Adventures of a Wolf Watcher

Observing the Oxbow Pack, Yellowstone National Park, February, 2007

Our first few days in the park were spent in and around the Lamar Valley in the northeastern corner of the park. We stayed in a comfortable motel in Cooke City, a tiny end-of-the-road town just outside the park, altitude around 8,000 feet. I called it "Testosterone City," because it is a snowmobiler's haven, with people coming from all over creation to ride their motorized sleds through the mountains outside the park boundaries. Sadly, days before we arrived, 5 of them had been killed in a backcountry avalanche, conditions no doubt exacerbated by the noisy vibrations of their machines. Mornings and evenings in town reverberate with the sound of revving engines as strapping men, outfitted in cold weather garb, prepare for fast paced tours through some the world's most exquisite landscapes.

As "wolf watchers," our days started at 5 AM, with breakfast at 6:15, in the van and on the road by 7 or so. We had brought clothing to keep us warm at temperatures well below zero, but like the rest of the country, Yellowstone was suffering from "crazy weather syndrome." The mornings were cold with temps in the teens but by midday it was well up into the thirties and at lower elevations in the forties.

Our guides, Scott and Paul, both highly qualified biologists, know their subjects well, having been involved in research projects involving the park's wolf population. As I sit here at my computer, Scott is somewhere out in the backcountry tracking the wolves through their daily rounds, recording data that will further our knowledge of wolf behavior. Some members in each of the individual packs wear radio collars and on this trip we were guided daily to locations by other scientists picking up signals from the collared wolves. Once in the targeted area, the skilled eyes of Scott and Paul honed in on our subjects.

The first day out we spent the morning observing the Druid Pack, waiting off in the distance, to feed on an elk they had killed just before dawn. Unfortunately, the kill was almost in the road and when we arrived photographers with giant telephoto lenses and other wolf watchers like us, lined the road, waiting for an opportunity to watch the wolves feeding. The group that I was with moved off down the road to another location where we observed the same pack across the Lamar River, basking in the sun, waiting for the crowd of gawkers to leave. Later in the morning park rangers moved the carcass away from the road, but still the wolves hung back. Coyotes, ravens, magpies and eagles were not shy and feasted most of the day.

A member of the Druid Pack waiting to feed, February, 2007

Years ago when I was working in photography, I carried multiple cameras, big lenses, tripods and the rest of the gear neeeded for excellent photo making. These days that gear remains sitting in a closet while I go armed only with a digital point and shoot camera, prefering not to lug lots of equipment around. I also find that if I'm not trying to figure out how to get the best shot, I can experience whatever the subject is, whether it's a wolf or flower, in all of its glory without missing a thing. This photo was taken with that camera through a spotting scope that the guides provided for us. The pack was probably a half to a full mile away and all the observing we did, like bird watching, was done through the scopes and binoculars.

I'm Back!

Mammoth Springs Area, Yellowstone Park, February 2007

I'm back from an unforgettable trip to Yellowstone National Park and the Grand Teton Mountains of Wyoming. It was a life altering trip for me ... a time when I was able to to once again connect to the things that are important to me ... the natural world, the great outdoors and this fabulous, one-of-a-kind planet we all call home. In recent years, as I've grown older and taken on added responsibilities, it's been easy to forget where my heart truly resides.

Although I live in one of the most beautiful spots on the east coast with lots of it's own wildlife and beautiful views, the world, as it speeds around me, has become surreal. Fast food, strip malls and road rage can be found just a few miles from my front door. It is disheartening to say the least and I am convinced that I must live a much simpler life. No, I don't plan on moving to the back woods. I want to learn how to live here, where I am, and to reduce my impact on the earth. It's hard ... it won't be easy ... but it's worth doing. I have two grandchildren, who after all, will be here long after I'm gone.

I'll be sharing more photos and words about what I saw and learned over time. In the meantime, I'm glad to be back and hope all is well with all of you!!