Saturday, June 09, 2007

Life Goes On ...

Swamp Magnolia With Visitor, © Joan Z. Rough, June, 2007

I never realized how difficult this time would be ... "Post Mom" is what I call it. I'm completely relieved for both her and rest of the family ... it was a hard, long battle and especially painful for her. When mom was diagnosed with Small Cell Lung Cancer two years ago she was told that if she did nothing she'd have 3 months to live. If she did chemo she might expand that time to perhaps a year. Due to her incredible spirit and chemo, mom doubled that time, but it wasn't always easy. For the most part her sense of humor was intact until she fell twice in December breaking several bones. Until then she was just very tired and a victim of the awful chemo fog that so many chemo patience experience. She didn't like that very much, but after her falls, mom's spirit took a nose dive because she knew she was really losing control. She could no longer be her independent self, needing help with most everything. But thankfully she is not in pain now and is probably giving God and his troop of angels a run for their money.

As for myself I'm doing pretty well. I miss her and that she is gone hits me when I least expect it and am feeling most vulnerable. At first I felt like I'd been laid off from my job. My fabulous managing skills started annoying other members of the family. So, I've quit that work and am now trying to pull my own life back into some sort of managable form! You can hear the cheers in the background, I'm sure! There are the stacks of papers to be filed on my desk, on the floor and in numerous baskets around my work space. There are what seem to be hundreds of beading and sewing projects barely started and abandoned because I didn't have time or needed the excitement of starting something new, rather than returning to the same old, same old. And never mind that I need to clean out mom's apartment and put the remainders of her life in order.

Along with trying to do a little bit of the above, what I'm mostly doing is gardening and trying to spend as much time outdoors as I possibly can before the heat and the humidity of summer hit. I've been planting some new things to see how they grow and doing alot of thinning and pruning. I like the pruning the best right now. Somehow it feels like I'm pruning my life back, making room for my next adventures in "Earth School," as a favorite teacher of mine calls life.

I'm also taking naps most days, finding that after lunch I just can't go on being active. Many who have been in this place before, tell me this is the emotional and physical exhaustion caused by the ordeal of the past few months. They say it will linger for a while, as will the tears, the relief and the gratitude I feel for having been a part of the whole experience.

Lilliput Having A Cat Nap, © Joan Z. Rough, June, 2007


deirdre said...

The exhaustion goes on for a while. It's good you're spending time outside in the sunshine - it's so healing.

Visual-Voice said...

My heart goes out to you, I know this is so not easy. I hope it helps to know you're being held in the light of my "loved ones" metta circle.

I think you're so wise to find simple and creative ways to shower blessings upon youself, like gardening. You are the flowering bud at the center of your own Lovingkindness Circle. Present moment pondering, watering, gardening and soaking is what you deserve.

I bow to the grace with which you traveled this difficult road with your mother.

Star said...

I am slow in reading blogs this week. I agree that you will probably be dealing with the letdown for awhile yet, but your gardening activities tell me you are preparing for new growth. Be gentle with yourself just now.

paris parfait said...

I know you've been going through a rough time; you are wise to look after yourself and take time to do what you need to do. Thinking of you as you go through the grief and healing. xo