Life Goes On ...

Swamp Magnolia With Visitor, © Joan Z. Rough, June, 2007

I never realized how difficult this time would be ... "Post Mom" is what I call it. I'm completely relieved for both her and rest of the family ... it was a hard, long battle and especially painful for her. When mom was diagnosed with Small Cell Lung Cancer two years ago she was told that if she did nothing she'd have 3 months to live. If she did chemo she might expand that time to perhaps a year. Due to her incredible spirit and chemo, mom doubled that time, but it wasn't always easy. For the most part her sense of humor was intact until she fell twice in December breaking several bones. Until then she was just very tired and a victim of the awful chemo fog that so many chemo patience experience. She didn't like that very much, but after her falls, mom's spirit took a nose dive because she knew she was really losing control. She could no longer be her independent self, needing help with most everything. But thankfully she is not in pain now and is probably giving God and his troop of angels a run for their money.

As for myself I'm doing pretty well. I miss her and that she is gone hits me when I least expect it and am feeling most vulnerable. At first I felt like I'd been laid off from my job. My fabulous managing skills started annoying other members of the family. So, I've quit that work and am now trying to pull my own life back into some sort of managable form! You can hear the cheers in the background, I'm sure! There are the stacks of papers to be filed on my desk, on the floor and in numerous baskets around my work space. There are what seem to be hundreds of beading and sewing projects barely started and abandoned because I didn't have time or needed the excitement of starting something new, rather than returning to the same old, same old. And never mind that I need to clean out mom's apartment and put the remainders of her life in order.

Along with trying to do a little bit of the above, what I'm mostly doing is gardening and trying to spend as much time outdoors as I possibly can before the heat and the humidity of summer hit. I've been planting some new things to see how they grow and doing alot of thinning and pruning. I like the pruning the best right now. Somehow it feels like I'm pruning my life back, making room for my next adventures in "Earth School," as a favorite teacher of mine calls life.

I'm also taking naps most days, finding that after lunch I just can't go on being active. Many who have been in this place before, tell me this is the emotional and physical exhaustion caused by the ordeal of the past few months. They say it will linger for a while, as will the tears, the relief and the gratitude I feel for having been a part of the whole experience.

Lilliput Having A Cat Nap, © Joan Z. Rough, June, 2007

Welcome To The World Baby Anya ...

Anya Grace Allison Zabski
born 5/30/07
9 lbs. 8 oz., 20 " long

Baby Anya made her entrance on May 30, daughter of my nephew, Jesse and his wonderful wife Amanda. I haven't yet met Anya but hopefully during the next few months I'll have the chance, either here in Virginia or up in New Hampshire where they live. Anya is my brother Reid's, first grandchild and would be my mother's third great grandchild. Too bad Mom isn't here to greet Anya with us. But I have a feeling she is smiling from on high and sending this little spirit her best love. Zoe and Noah, my two grandchildren believe that Grammy Jo, as they knew her, is now their special angel who looks after them. I'm sure she is Anya's special angel as well.


When you love,
you complete a circle.

When you die,
the circle remains.

John Squadra, from This Ecstasy

In Memory Of My Mom ...

Josephine Zabski
March 6, 1923 - May 21, 2007

My mom, known by the family as Grammy Jo, passed on this past Monday at about 8:45 AM.
She will be greatly missed.

This quote for May 21st, her death date, from a book called, Offerings, Bhuddist Wisdom For Every Day, pretty much sums up what I've learned through this very magical journey with her.

"You cannot live sheltered forever without ever being exposed, and at the same time be a spiritual adventurer. Be audacios. Be crazy in your own way, with madness in the eyes of man that is wisdom in the eyes of God. Take risks, search and search again, search everywhere, in every way, do not let a single opportunity or chance that life offers pass you by, and do not be petty and mean, trying to drive a hard bargain.

Arnaud Desjardins

Thank you to so many friends and family who have lent their support through these last months. I could not have done it without you. May you all live in peace, may you all be healthy, and may your lives be filled with the unending love that you have so generously sent our way.
Blessings to you all!

Rainy Day ...

" ... we are not on this earth to accumulate victories, things, and experiences, but to be wittled and sandpapered until what's left is who we truly are."
Arianna Huffington, On Becoming Fearless

It's been raining all night and should continue most of today. It's a slow, steady rain. The kind that seeps into the earth, allowing flowers and trees to drink their fill. The kind that rootlets search for in the summer, when no rain is in sight and the grass browns in searing sun. The kind that saturates, permeates, penetrates ... like grief.

I have a friend who recently lost her sister to breast cancer. Another friend's mother has been in an assisted living facility for the past two years. She will be moved to the alzheimers unit in that facility within a day or so. My friend says she doesn't know who is having the worst time of it, she or her mother.

Everything is always in flux. Within our bodies cells die and renew themselves on a daily basis. Change is pervasive. As the earth spins, the seasons change, the years turn and we find ourselves marveling at where we've been and what will happen next. We wish the bad, sad moments away, reasoning that once we get through this rough patch the going will be smooth, only to find another challenge. Someone else I know calls those times, "more damned learning experiences!"

"If you don't have the wound of a broken heart, how can you know you're alive? If you have no broken heart, how do know who you are? Have been? Ever have been?"
Edward Albee, The Play About The Baby

The Truth Is ....

Tree Peony #2, 2007

The truth is I'm happy ... I'm happy that it's spring. I'm happy for all that I have ... people sending loving kindness ... the unexpected rain shower that helps my garden grow ... fresh local strawberries that fill the kitchen with wonderful perfume when I bring them home. I'm happy I'm me and not someone else who has more or less, or everything I've always wanted. I'm finding I need just what I have ... nothing more ... nothing less. All the things I've always wanted and don't have are completely irrelevant.

Yes, there is sadness and fear as well, but the happy part of my life is what fills me up and keeps me going. Working in the garden as I weed or transplant flowers to a new bed, I listen to the calls of cardinals and bluebirds as they go about their work of building new nests or feeding their young. Nearby in a dense grove of oaks, a wood thrush sings his magnificent, liquid song, proclaiming his presence. I, too, am here, doing what I can to make the best of what is.

My mother is dying, but sometime in the coming days, her third great grandchild will make her way into the world, a smiling bundle of joy we'll christen with hope and best wishes for a glorious life. We'll sing out her name and make her presence known ... a new life to rekindle an older flame as it fades.

This is the time of year that makes the great circle of life so obvious. As the tulips die back, Iris and peonies take their place. Soon there will be roses ... plump pink beauties I'll pick for the table ... their fragrance will fill the room. After a while they'll drop their petals on the linen cloth and once again I'll be reminded of change and how life has a way of moving on while I'm busy doing other things.

Susan's Metta Blast ....

Tree Peony blooming in my garden, May, 2007

My friend, Susan, at Visual Voice, is doing a wonderful thing! She is sending a Metta Blast out on her blog to hold all those in need in glorious healing light. You could say it's a prayer circle, in this case a Buddhist one. Metta is loving kindness and there is a special meditation just for sending that loving kindness to everyone you know, your special loved ones and even those you don't seem to have an easy time with. Used in the latter way, I believe it is the first step in finding forgiveness for those who have treated us poorly.

The meditation or prayer, is very simple. Start with yourself. Say to yourself:

May I be happy,
may I be safe,
may I be healthy,
may I live with ease.

Repeat this several times, relaxing more and more with each repetition. Then invoke the name of someone you would like to send loving kindness to and repeat it as many times as you wish. Some say that once is enough, especially if you have a long list of people you wish to honor. Others feel that repeating a given name many times is best. I really don't think there are any hard and fast rule. You may word your phrases differently if you choose.

Susan was kind enough to mention sending Metta to my mother who is in the final stages of a very aggresive lung cancer. We are guessing she has one to two months left. Hospice is involved with her care and they are doing a wonderful job keeping her comfortable. She has difficulty breathing at times, is constantly tired, and if unmedicated feels great pain.

I am deeply grateful to Susan for including us in her effort to bring love to everyone in the whole world. To her I say:

May you be ecstatically happy,
may you always be safe,
may you be healthy in body and soul,
may you live peacefully and with ease.

Thank you so much Susan!

What's wrong with this picture ????

Headline in today's local paper

Yes, that's right! A 19 year old UVa student, who used a "replica .45-caliber semiautomatic pistol" as a prop in a movie he and several other students were filming for a class project, was arrested on Monday. He remains behind bars until this morning when he will appear in court for a bond hearing. If found guilty of the misdemeanor charge of "brandishing a firearm," he could face up to a year in jail and a $2,500. fine. He could also receive University judiciary penalties for using the "BB gun" for the film.

Captain Michael A. Coleman of the University Police said, "his department received several 911 calls arond 11:20 PM, Monday, reporting a man with a gun in the area." When the force arrived at the crime scene with guns drawn, they were told by a another student that she was part of a group of students using the gun in a robbery scene they were filming for a class project. There were no other students arrested.

The University "prohibits the possession, storage or use of any kind of ammunition, firearms, fireworks explosives, air rifles and air pistonls on University owned or operated property without the express written permission of the University Police Department." In January of 2006, Virginia Attorney General, Bob McDonnell, issued a wirtten opinion that though the University "may regulate the conduct of students and employees, they may not impose a general prohibition on the carrying of concealed weapons by those holding permits."

In the wake of the Virginia Tech tragedy a week ago, there is no question that seeing a gun on any campus or in any public location, should and must ring alarm bells. However, it seems that paranoia is taking over in this case. The only crime committed here is that the students did not get written permission to use the "replica" from the police department or from their professor who had not been informed of their choice of props.

Why waste time and tax payer dollars on a trifle such as this? What about the bigger questions of stricter gun control across the country, especially by those who are deemed a danger to themselves or the general public??

Being Fearless ...

Last Monday afternoon I returned home from New York City, to the news of the senseless deaths of 32 students at Virginia Tech. I had spent the weekend attending the Omega Institute's, "being Fearless" conference. For anyone not familiar with the Omega Institute for Holistic Studies, it is located in Rhinebeck, New York. This year they are celebrating "30 Years of Awakening the Best in the Human Spirit." At the campus in Rhinebeck, you can attend a variety of workshops or retreats from yoga, to healing, to writing poetry, and so much more.

The conference was attended by about 2,000 people from all over the world. We listened to Al Gore, (a VERY funny man) speak about his own spiritual life and his hope for the world. Jane Goodall spoke about the environmental damage we are heaping on the planet and her reasons for hope that we will discover ways to stop the harm we are doing. On Sunday morning, we were inspired by Samdhong Rinpoche, a fully ordained Buddhist monk and Chairman of the the Tibetan Government in Exile.

Other keynote speakers included Arianna Huffington, nationally syndicated columnist and editor of the HuffingtonPost.com, and Caroline Myss, author of best-sellers, Sacred Contracts, Anatomy of the Spirit, and newly published, Entering the Castle. Nora Ephron, best-selling author of, I Feel Bad About My Neck: and Other Thoughts on Being a Woman, and screenwriter-director of such movies as Sleepless in Seattle and When Harry Met Sally, closed the conference with a witty talk about how she got started in the business.

I attended workshops with mystical scholar Andrew Harvey, writing teacher and author, Natalie Goldberg, former "economic hitman" for the World Bank, John Perkins and insight meditation teacher Tara Brach. These sterling examples of people living fearlessly in a crazy world, filled me with inspiration. I left New York feeling ready to face whatever was ahead, not knowing that as my train pulled out of Penn Station, 32 young people were being randomly slain by a hateful madman unable to manage his own bottomless sense of anguish.

The lessons of the conference are many, but my understanding of fear and fearlessness has become more clear. Fear is a fact of everyday life. The "fight or flight" instinct keeps all of us safe from the bully down the street, the snarling dog on the corner and the daily hazards we encounter along our paths. It's doubtful to me that anyone lives without fear of one kind or another. But when there is too much of it, people often can no longer relax. They are always looking over their shoulders, checking out places to hide from whatever it is that causes them angst. They can become hateful and snap, as that young man did on the campus of Virginia Tech.

The world we are living in is a very frightening place. There are terrorists, school shootings, political upheaval and war. Television, movies and all of pop culture is too often filled with violence and suggestions of hatred. The planet is warming and none of us knows what kind of a world our children and grandchildren will inherit.

By learning to manage our fear we can live a rewarding life amidst all of the chaos. I will no longer watch network news. Media coverage of the Virginia Tech event, in unending replay, confirms for me the insensitivity and disrespect our news people show for their fellow human beings. We can only change our world by slowing down and getting involved in activities that can make a difference. We can show respect for our environment by picking up litter while connecting with nature on our daily walks through our neighborhoods. It is amazing what a friendly smile and hello can do for the stranger we pass on the street. Sending emails to our governing officials telling them what we think, is an act that can bring about the changes we need in the world.

This is a wonderful time to be living on the planet! There is much work for us to do to bring about life affirming fearlessness! With everyone's help we can be living in a peaceful world!

Gardening

New Garden Project, April, 2007

"I have said on occasion that I think gardening is nearer to godliness than theology. … True gardeners are both iconographers and theologians insofar as these activities are the fruit of prayer "without ceasing." Likewise, true gardeners never cease to garden, not even in their sleep, because gardening is not just something they do. It is how they live."
Vigen Guroian

From the essay, 'On Leaving the Garden,' in "The Fragrance of God"

I'm not a church goer. As a matter of fact, I don't consider myself a member of any one religious group. If anything, I'm a hybrid like my car which runs on a mix of gasoline and electricity. My fuel is a mix of teachings from all of the great religious traditions of the world ... especially Buddhism. As a result of my tangled experiences as a child and religious instruction, for many years, I had difficulty uttering the words God or Prayer. But with age, I'm finding that those words are becoming a large part of my vocabulary and life.

It is when I'm out in nature or working in the garden that I feel closest to God, the Spirit, that I feel is the creator of this beautiful world and the joy and wonder that I am privileged to experience every day. You won't find me on my knees in a church ... it doesn't feel natural. But in the garden, look, there I am, taking the position as I weed or plant bulbs, muttering encouragement for growth.

The very acts of digging in the dirt, placing a seed or bulb, are for me sacred rituals, filled with hope for the future. They are a letting go of my need to control my life and the world around me ... a sacrifice, if you will, to the Spirit of the Earth, who will take my offering or not. I might not get anything for my effort, but I just might get the most beautiful blossom I've ever seen.

These days my prayers are for our planet, the earth ... my prayer is for all of us to help to bring her back from the destruction that we have placed upon her.

Have a Happy Easter, everyone!

For The Children ...

Zoe, in front, with friend, after their performance in "Oliver"

I spent this past weekend in Black Mountain, North Carolina, visiting my daughter, her partner and my grandkids! Zoe's school launched an all school production of Oliver, which was marvelous. Zoe played an orphan and one of the townspeople. She sang and danced and I had a wonderful time being a proud grandma among the many others who attended. I wasn't acting. I'm so thrilled to see this little woman growing into her life.

I can't help but wonder what she will be doing five years, ten years, twenty years from now. What will her interests be? Will she follow in her grandad's steps and inhabit the world of theater? Or will she be writing, painting or doing research in a lab?

I marvel at the joy and talent of all of the children (grades K through 8) on stage that day and pray that their world will be peaceful, safe and filled with beauty. We seem to be living in desperate times ... an unending war, environmental crisis, political chaos. We all need to work hard to bring an end to this instability ... for ALL of the children.

Thinking Blogger Award ... Oh my!

Deirdre over at Writing Anam Cara, has honored me with a Thinking Blogger Award. I don't know what to say, except Thank You! This award comes from someone I greatly admire ... someone who I feel is a natural writer ... and one of the most honest voices I've heard. She tells it like it is, simply, openly and to the point. Here's to you Deirdre!!

Now I have the honor of giving awards to 5 bloggers who have consistantly made me think, consider and reconsider. It's a hard task. There are so many excellent blogs out there. I wish I had time to read them all. There are some blogs on this list that have already received this award from others, but they speak to my head, heart and soul and above all keep me using my brain. I'm greatful that they are out there!!

Visual-Voice - Susan got me thinking about starting my own blog after I met her at the National Cathedral in Washington where we were both attending an Insight Meditation workshop. Her spectacular photography and inspirational words speak of spirit and compassion. She asks big questions that have stopped me in my tracks.

Tongue In Cheek - Filled with whimsy, positive thoughts, beautiful words and images. When I feel low, I visit this blog. My attitude is quickly readjusted!!

Beyond The Fields We Know - Lovely images and inspirational words about the natural world and the simple things in life. Reading this blog is a wonderful way for me to start a day.

Paris Parfait - Tara has a wonderful worldly blog asking tough questions about world issues and politics. She joyfully shares her personal world in Paris and her fabulous antiques in beautifully presented photos.

Becca's Byline - Becca has already received this award several times. Her inspirational posts about writing keep me tapping the keys. Plus she's one compassionate lady!!

These bloggers can continue the meme by presenting awards to their five most thought provoking choices of blogs. Some already have.

The Thinking Blogger Award Rules:

If you were named above and choose to carry this meme forward, remember to tag only those bloggers who stimulate your cortex … or something like that.

Please make sure you pass the rules to the blogs you are tagging.

If, and only if, you have been tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think.

Optional: Proudly display your 'Thinking Blogger Award' with a link to the post that you wrote (here is an alternative silver version if gold doesn't fit your blog).

Yellowstone ... Controversy?

Winter Landscape, Yellowstone Park, February, 2007

It seems my post of Adventures of a Wolf Watcher has drawn some fire. But that is what makes for interesting blogging. There is nothing like a good discussion. Whether we all agree or not is of little importance. The point is that we talk ... listen ... share our views. The older I get the more I appreciate how many differing views there are about just about everything.

In her posting of March 22, 2007, Watch Wolves Watch You, Skyblu launches an attack at two blogs, one of them mine (on the site go to "Don't Believe It's True? Click Here"). Skyblu's opinion of visitors to and the management of Yellowstone is scathing. Read it for yourself.

Ranting can be good. Ranting can make you feel better. But what ranting doesn't do is make you think clearly and it often doesn't paint a sane picture of the ranter. Believe me, I know, I've been there!

Skyblu's frustration is evident and she probably wouldn't believe me, but I agree with much of what she has to say. Yellowstone National Park is NOT wilderness ... the wolves are "wild" but they are habituated to humans ... they are collared so that they can be tracked and studied ... the National Park Service charges an entrance fee to the park and there are "guides" that you pay who will find the wolves for you or just about any other animal, mineral or vegetable that you are interested in viewing.

My husband and I went on our trip arranged by Natural Habitat Adventures. The guides, qualified biologists, were great in every way ... respectful of the animals as well as the 10 other individuals in our group. We talked often of the reality of wilderness, living simply, living wild, what the government is doing to help or hinder the situation, what each of us can do to change the ways of this screwy world and how we can be agents of change. We did do some hiking off the road to see the wolves. Most of us in the group with the exception of one person, were well over the age of 40. One was 80+. We did not harass the animals, throw our trash out the van windows or behave poorly in any other way.

Yes, I hated the snowmobiles and noise they create, even the "quieter" ones allowed within the park. I hate that the wolves are collared. I hate that the wolves were eradicated from the park in the first place and I hate that we, human beings, with our big brains have the hutzpah to think we can reintroduce wolves back into the area and expect them to be wild, when all we do is manage, manage, manage. But personally, I don't know a better way and I was there to see for myself what we have done.

I chose to go on this trip because I had never seen Yellowstone, and yes, I LOVE NATURE! I am a naturalist and have been a guide at the Ivy Creek Natural Area in Charlottesville, Virginia, where I ushered small groups of school children and adults through the area to show them what "wilderness" is all about in this neck of woods, on the East Coast of America, where urban growth is off the charts and isn't seeing a slowdown. The "Board of Supervisors" here in Albemarle County seems to approve, almost weekly, one more subdivision of 5oo homes. We don't have enough water for the people who already live here. There are big plans to expand one of the reservoirs and pipe water from it into another ... but it's years in the making and no one actually knows how well that will really work and whether it will be enough for the population by the time it is finally in use.

We need to accept that the world is a different place than it was and that it will never be the same again. We are in a planetary crisis. There are simply too many of us humans and we all to often seem to think we know what is good for the rest of the masses. This is not the time for ranting. This is a time for discussion, for teaching, for learning and for being respectful not only to wolves or polar bears, but to a other people. Change comes with education, hard work and acceptance of what we have to deal with.

Yellowstone Continued ...

Hot springs, Yellowstone Park, February 2007

These are not like the hot springs found in the western region of Virginia, where people go to "take the waters." These are really hot ... boiling hot ... you don't want to fall in hot.

Old Faithfull, February 2007

Coyotes, ravens and magpies feeding on an elk carcass, February 2007

These photos cannot in any way replicate the experience of being in Yellowstone. I wish I could take you there and show you what I saw. The excitement that the landscape provides along with the animals is stunning. On the day we left the park, heading south to the Grand Tetons, we traveled in a snow coach ... a van that moves on treads like a tank, rather than on wheels. We moved at about 35 mph while the snow was came down at about one foot an hour. It was like being in the most beautiful Christmas card in the world, with caps of snow weighing down the branches of Douglas Fir and other evergreens. It was an experience I will not soon forget.

Big Horn Sheep, Yellowstone Park, February, 2007

Bull Elk, Yellowstone Park, February 2007


Bison in the road, Yellowstone Park, February, 2007

Adventures of a Wolf Watcher

Observing the Oxbow Pack, Yellowstone National Park, February, 2007

Our first few days in the park were spent in and around the Lamar Valley in the northeastern corner of the park. We stayed in a comfortable motel in Cooke City, a tiny end-of-the-road town just outside the park, altitude around 8,000 feet. I called it "Testosterone City," because it is a snowmobiler's haven, with people coming from all over creation to ride their motorized sleds through the mountains outside the park boundaries. Sadly, days before we arrived, 5 of them had been killed in a backcountry avalanche, conditions no doubt exacerbated by the noisy vibrations of their machines. Mornings and evenings in town reverberate with the sound of revving engines as strapping men, outfitted in cold weather garb, prepare for fast paced tours through some the world's most exquisite landscapes.

As "wolf watchers," our days started at 5 AM, with breakfast at 6:15, in the van and on the road by 7 or so. We had brought clothing to keep us warm at temperatures well below zero, but like the rest of the country, Yellowstone was suffering from "crazy weather syndrome." The mornings were cold with temps in the teens but by midday it was well up into the thirties and at lower elevations in the forties.

Our guides, Scott and Paul, both highly qualified biologists, know their subjects well, having been involved in research projects involving the park's wolf population. As I sit here at my computer, Scott is somewhere out in the backcountry tracking the wolves through their daily rounds, recording data that will further our knowledge of wolf behavior. Some members in each of the individual packs wear radio collars and on this trip we were guided daily to locations by other scientists picking up signals from the collared wolves. Once in the targeted area, the skilled eyes of Scott and Paul honed in on our subjects.

The first day out we spent the morning observing the Druid Pack, waiting off in the distance, to feed on an elk they had killed just before dawn. Unfortunately, the kill was almost in the road and when we arrived photographers with giant telephoto lenses and other wolf watchers like us, lined the road, waiting for an opportunity to watch the wolves feeding. The group that I was with moved off down the road to another location where we observed the same pack across the Lamar River, basking in the sun, waiting for the crowd of gawkers to leave. Later in the morning park rangers moved the carcass away from the road, but still the wolves hung back. Coyotes, ravens, magpies and eagles were not shy and feasted most of the day.

A member of the Druid Pack waiting to feed, February, 2007

Years ago when I was working in photography, I carried multiple cameras, big lenses, tripods and the rest of the gear neeeded for excellent photo making. These days that gear remains sitting in a closet while I go armed only with a digital point and shoot camera, prefering not to lug lots of equipment around. I also find that if I'm not trying to figure out how to get the best shot, I can experience whatever the subject is, whether it's a wolf or flower, in all of its glory without missing a thing. This photo was taken with that camera through a spotting scope that the guides provided for us. The pack was probably a half to a full mile away and all the observing we did, like bird watching, was done through the scopes and binoculars.

I'm Back!

Mammoth Springs Area, Yellowstone Park, February 2007

I'm back from an unforgettable trip to Yellowstone National Park and the Grand Teton Mountains of Wyoming. It was a life altering trip for me ... a time when I was able to to once again connect to the things that are important to me ... the natural world, the great outdoors and this fabulous, one-of-a-kind planet we all call home. In recent years, as I've grown older and taken on added responsibilities, it's been easy to forget where my heart truly resides.

Although I live in one of the most beautiful spots on the east coast with lots of it's own wildlife and beautiful views, the world, as it speeds around me, has become surreal. Fast food, strip malls and road rage can be found just a few miles from my front door. It is disheartening to say the least and I am convinced that I must live a much simpler life. No, I don't plan on moving to the back woods. I want to learn how to live here, where I am, and to reduce my impact on the earth. It's hard ... it won't be easy ... but it's worth doing. I have two grandchildren, who after all, will be here long after I'm gone.

I'll be sharing more photos and words about what I saw and learned over time. In the meantime, I'm glad to be back and hope all is well with all of you!!

It's Been A While

Orchid In My Indoor Garden, © Joan Z. Rough, 2007

It's been a while since I've had time to post anything here on my blog. The days are too short and go too quickly for me to fit everything in that I'd like to ... and there are also things I must do.

With my mom's health crisis over the holidays and after five years of being her caregiver I'm suddenly realizing how tired I am and how my own life has been at a standstill. So now I'm relearning how to take care of myself. I've started with meditating, spending glorious days outdoors, reading, napping, and getting back into my long left behind art work.

I'm also trying to find time to do some traveling. My husband and I spent 5 wonderful days with our daughter and grandchildren just a few weeks ago. We hiked in a forest of hemlocks and rhododendrons, visited the kid's schools and went with them to their riding lessons. We also slept late every morning, took naps and simply enjoyed every moment. This week I am going off to Chicago to see friends and do some spiritual work. Later in February I'll go to Yellowstone to see what winter is like in the Rockies and to visit with the wolves.

For now the blogging may take a backseat along with alot of other things while I bring some balance back into my life. I'll continue to write and hopefully will continue to contribute when I can to One Deep Breath and Poetry Thursday. I do not want to leave this blog behind. It has been a wonderful outlet for my writing and I've met some wonderful "blogger friends" in the process. So please bear with me as I resettle myself and become my own person again.

My mother is doing well. Though she still cannot bear weight on her shoulder or leg, she is getting herself out of bed into her wheelchair and can bathe and dress herself. Sometime in the next few weeks she may have to move to another facility because she is doing so well, even if she can't walk! What I am learning about health care in this country would make your hair curl and maybe one of these days when I have some perspective on the whole thing I'll go into it. But right now, I'm still living through it and am kind of angry, to say the least.

I will be back, so don't go too far away!!

Hellebores blooming in my garden right now, January 12, 2007

This morning, feeling a bit rebelious, I decided not to go and do my daily workout. After a while I started beating up on myself for not going ... you know, the usual ... how do you expect to lose weight and stay healthy if you don't go to exercise??

I was just about ready to throw on my gym clothes when out on the dock appeared two river otters. They snuggled and played, then swam across the river like dolphins ... diving then coming up for air ... they climbed the bluff on the other side of river, scampered back down to the water to be joined by Big Blue, our resident heron, who hasn't taken his or her usual winter vacation this year. The last I saw of the otters, they were dipping their way upstream. Big Blue was wading through the shallows looking for breakfast.

It was a great reminder that sometimes when you're feeling a bit off, it's okay to let the usual routine go, and be kind to yourself. By being "naughty" and not going to my workout today, I was rewarded with a reconnection with the natural world right under my nose. I haven't had the time for that in while now and what good medicine that is. Even better than cross-trainers and weights. Those will have to wait for another day.

Since my mother's health crisis over the holidays, I've been feeling exhausted and totally out of control. The transition from having her at home, to now having her in a rehab/nursing home was at first very difficult. Now I'm feeling very different ... happy ... free ... ready to reinvent myself. There is little, except for visiting her, that I can do for my mom right now. So tomorrow morning my husband and I are going to go visit our grandkids in North Carolina for a bit. We haven't seen them since October so it is time to bring some "kid magic" into our lives once again and start looking at the world anew. We'll get to see Zoe's new school, watch both little ones take riding lessons, tickle and giggle, read stories, hike around the lake and just be.

Super Woman's Circus Dream ... for Poetry Thursday

Elephant Dream, © Joan Z. Rough, 1991

Here is my contribution to this weeks Poetry Thursday:

Super Woman’s Circus Dream

For the Bally Broad in every woman

She fills the spotlight
Ostrich feathers fishnet stockings
Blue satin skin bursting with flesh
Her glass encrusted crown
Spins rainbows in the dark

Every night
She straddles an elephant
Rocks back and forth on seas
Of exploding cheers
Shimmies up a moon beam
And balanced on a thread of gold
Juggles flaming swords

Note: According to Joe McKennon, author of Horse Dung Trail: Saga of American Circus, a Bally Broad denotes a woman or girl who sang and danced in the circus and may also have performed in aerial acts, ridden horses, posed on the backs of elephants and “generally made herself useful.” The name probably came from the use of genuine ballet dancers in some circuses from 1880 to 1910.

Both the photo and poem are part of my series, Arena of Dreams, an exhibition I put together after helping my husband and his partner, La Vahn Hoh, photograph circuses for their book, Step Right Up! The Adventure of Circus in America, now out of print.

jzr

Subtle Change ... for One Deep Breath

Budding Daffodils in my garden, January 8, 2007

Here are my haiku for today's One Deep Breath. The first one goes with the photo, the second speaks about my current state of being!!

slow swell of buds
tucked between leaves
sing yellow daffodils

***

flutter of lashes
deepening breath
sleep overtakes me

jzr

Winter??

Sunrise on the Rivanna, © Joan Z. Rough, 2007

This is what the river looked like yesterday morning as I opened the drapes around 6:30 A.M. We had slept all night with windows wide open as the temperatures remained in the upper 50's all night. At 9:30 A.M. the temperature on our screened in porch, in the shade, was 68 degrees Fahrenheit. The month is January. This is more like May weather. There are daffodils blooming down at the UVA boat house and some are getting ready to burst forth here in my yard.

Things are beginning to settle down here after our very traumatic holidays. My mother is settling into the nursing home. Being the closest one to her at this time, I became the target of her anger over her recent loss of mobility ... which is very natural. I took a few days off from seeing her, but now we're right back at loving each other again. Praise Be!!

I feel as though I'm riding the biggest roller coaster in the world, right now, trying to keep myself from jumping out of the car before the ride comes to an end. During my high school days I lived on Long Island. My friends and I would always go to Coney Island the last weekend in August, to celebrate the end of another wonderful summer. I always rode the roller coasters ... little nothings compared to the super coasters of today ... and I loved the parachute jump the best. It was all chills and thrills. But this ride is different. There are chills and it's been VERY bumpy, but there are no thrills.

My mom has lost about 10 pounds in the last few weeks and I continue to think it's the food at the home, which she doesn't eat much of because it's pretty bad. Today we brought her Starbuck's coffee ice cream, her most favorite food in the world and she ate it with gusto. I continue to pray it's only the bad food that is causing her to lose weight.

Hospice is involved with her care now and those real live angels check in with her daily to see what she needs and to monitor her pain meds. Many people believe that Hospice is only to be called at the very end of a family member's life, but it is a program about living and being comfortable each and every day ... sometimes for years. There is support for the entire family and they become an additional pair of eyes and ears keeping watch over her. I was told that when Hospice is involved in the care of nursing home patients, the quality of their care goes up. I see this happening already. That alone makes my days easier and I'm able to be there for her without making myself a basket case ... though it's still not an easy time.

Thank you all for your prayers and good wishes. They will keep us going through the coming months.

Happy New Year

Gateway ... in Cornwall, England, © Joan Z. Rough, 2004

Here we are about to leave the old year 2006, to enter into the New Year, 2007. What will it hold for us? Where will we be one year from now? Will the world be at peace? Will I be able to live each day to its fullest? Will I be able to recognize a ray of light even in the darkest hour?

It's been a tough year here at my house. My mom's health has been a big factor as well as the health of the planet and that of our country. I've felt very gloomy at times ... hopeless ... helpless ... unable to see the light. But with the changing of the year and the lengthening days, I am feeling a bit optimist for a change.

I'm suffering from a bit of "empty nest" syndrome at the moment. My kids left home years ago ... my son will turn 40 in a few months and my daughter will be 37 in May. It's not them I miss so much, it's my mom. She's been living with us for over 5 years. I miss her "good morning"s, her sneaking cigarettes out behind the house and her fiesty good humor.

She is now safe and happy in a nearby nursing home/rehab facility, where hopefully she will learn to walk again and to continue to be an inspiration to everyone around her. She has a tough road ahead. On top of emphysema, lung cancer and osteoporosis, she has bones that need healing and muscles that need strengthening. It's a "one day at a time" challenge filled with acceptance, acceptance and more acceptance.

I was recently reminded of the words of Thomas Merton: "This day will not come again." And so it is with humbleness that I carry these words with me into the new year and hope that I will remember them each morning as I open my eyes to greet the great unknown that fills each day. I would like to hold every moment as special and recognize in each day, great learning and clear light.

I wish all of you, my friends and family, a bright year ahead, filled with the joy of living! Happy New Year!!

See more writings on "Destination" at Sunday Scribblings!

Happy Christmas Eve!

Nandina, © Joan Z. Rough, 2006

When mom arrived back in her room this morning after her surgery, she told us to "get out and do some shopping or something! I need to sleep!" So I asked myself why I worry so much and am pleased to know she will be fine! The doctors said there were no problems during the surgery and anticipate none in the coming days. She'll be sitting up tomorrow and I've been instructed to bring in some decent pjs for her next round of adventures ... walking again!!

Thanks for everyone's prayers and kind messages ... may blessings be heaped upon you in the coming days!

My Mom At Christmas

frosty leaves at the river's edge, © Joan Z. Rough, 2006

Dear Friends and Family,

I want to update you all on my mom's health and the most recent events effecting her health. This past June, after 6 months of remission, her cancer showed up again, in exactly the same spot ... very small but back. She has gone through another 5 months of chemo, to find that the cancer is still there, but smaller.

She has "chemo brain fog," which plagues most people who go through extended treatment. She is very tired, forgetful, loses her balance often and tends to be confused alot of the time. She is currently taking a break from chemo and checks in with the doctor every 6 weeks. She'll probably have another scan sometime in February to see what is happening with the cancer in her lung.

Just before Thanksgiving we asked her to give up driving and after one last car trip to the supermarket on a very rainy, windy day, she said okay, enough!

This past Sunday, the phone rang at 7 AM. It was Mom, saying she had gotten tangled in her oxygen line and had just fallen. We called 911 and she was whisked away to the ER where she was diagnosed with a fractured shoulder. She was put on pain killers and told to take it easy and not use the arm ... there was only a sling to hold the arm, as the bone was lined up nicely and there was nothing else to do. She experienced a great deal of pain and was very shaky on her feet. She needed lots of help moving around.

Yesterday, we began preparations to have her admitted to an assisted living facility for a short stay of 3 weeks, where she could have around the clock nursing care and expert pain management. At about 3 pm we heard her calling from her apartment downstairs. She had again gotten tangled in her O2 line and once more had fallen. This time she suffered a spiral fracture of the femur just below the hip. Both the shoulder and leg fractures are on the left side of her body.

She is now at Martha Jefferson Hospital, here in C'ville, where her doctors are trying to get her blood thickened up so that she can have surgery on the leg. They will place a rod down the center of the femur to hold the bone in place so that she will be able to walk again.

She has a dynamic set of doctors and is getting blood transfusions and Vitamin K to reverse the affects of the blood thinner she has been taking. If they can get it to acceptable levels she could go into surgery tomorrow, but most likely it will be Sunday, Christmas Eve.

After her surgery she will be in the hospital for 2 or 3 more days before being transferred to a rehab/nursing home facility where she will undergo physical therapy to get her back on her feet ... probably for about a month.

Needless to say, it's been a difficult time for all of us, but Mom continues to joke around and be as fiesty as ever. Please keep her in your prayers over the holidays and into the New Year. She joins Bill and I in wishing you all a Happy Holiday Season and a New Year filled with peace on earth, good will toward all beings and lots of belly laughs ... probably the best medicine of all!

jzr

Storms ... for One Deep Breath

This weeks prompt on One Deep Breath is "storms." It is a stormy time of year. It is a stormy time of life.

angry tears
like sudden summer rain
thunder and lightning, too

hot tempered heart
autumnal gusts of leaves
chilled by rimey nights

in winter’s hand
wind carries frozen crystals
the field a drift of snow

April’s greening pasture
early birds sing at dawn
a sudden flood of mirth


jzr

December Extremes

With day time temperatures reaching into the 60 degrees F range, one would think that the ice on the river that began developing several days ago would melt away. It does look a bit slushy by 4 PM, but then the temperatures drop quickly into the low 30s and the river presents us with new ice patterns by morning. Canada geese flap back and forth trying to pick a spot to land and Big Blue, huddles on the dock in the morning sun, looking somewhat like the grim reaper. This morning a huge bald eagle flew low over the river ... probably looking for a meal through the thin scrim of ice.

The summers here are filled with the music of colorful songbirds, cicadas and crickets. Flowers and trees provide abundant food. But it's during the colder months that we really get down to the basics of life here on the river. The birds that remain throughout the winter must work harder for their meals. Without leaves on the trees and flowers in the garden they become more visable to my eye ... the Cardinal's red can cheer up the gloomiest days. With the bird feeders full of black oil sunflower seeds, safflower seeds and chunks of peanuts, we have joyous entertainment right outside the window.

a cardinal in the weeping cherry tree outside my kitchen window

Ice On The River!

7 AM, December 9, 2006

This morning we had ice on the river for the first time this fall. It won't last long. Tomorrow and the beginning of the week will be near 60 degrees F again. Boo!! Hiss!! We have way too much warm weather here. I want a bit of winter at least in December for the holidays!!

The meadow still hasn't been mowed but it's just gorgeous in the early morning sun with frost on the grasses and blackberry canes. I'll post more photos in the coming days of this morning's spectacular ice show!!

My Movie Mogul

That's my husband, Bill, holding the box, as he plays the butcher in a new film, entitled Disconnected, which hopefully will open in neighborhood theatres across the country in 2007. That is if he doesn't end up on the cutting room floor!

His last film appearance and also his first, was in Disappearances, which opened last year and is now out on DVD. In that film he plays a bartender and offers Kris Kristofferson a drink! He has one spoken line in both films. If he's not careful, his next film role will be as a baker ... in a film called, Discovered!! Maybe he'll have more lines by then!!

Because he's always been a film buff and has now gotten involved as an investor in independent film production, I call him my "movie mogul." Watch out Hollywood!!

Close Up ... for One Deep Breath

Lotus Seed Pod, Joan Z. Rough © 2006

This weeks prompt for One Deep Breath is "close up."

asleep within
swollen spheres
seeds of life

slender roots expand
in water’s fecund flow
goldfish spawning

in summer sun
lotus blossoms flourish
cycle unbroken

jzr

Winter Garden

The garden, December 1, 2006

It's winter in the garden. The beds have been put to sleep for the coldest months. We've trimmed back, added mulch and watch as new color schemes echo the season. Winter berry, holly and nandena with their red berries and green leaves, impose a holiday spirit on the landscape. They stand out against a backdrop of winter browns and tans.

But the star of the show for the last month has been this Baby Blessed Iris, which friend Maria, gave me. She never told me that it would bloom in December, leaving it as a surprise I suppose. It has been blooming for well over a month through the crazy weather we've been having ... from killing frosts to mid 70 degree weather days. Today it feels like snow, yet this yellow beauty just keeps on going and more buds grow evident every day. She will bloom again in the spring along with the other irises, be dormant through the heat of the summer and come back to life once again in late October.

Baby Blessed Iris

Then there is this plant which I bought as an annual and have forgotten the name of. I planted it in the spring. It bloomed vigorously all summer, through 100 degree days, and now still flourishes just before the winter solstice. This plant is obviously not an annual. I will definately plant more of this next spring if I can find it again.

The mystery plant, December, 2006

These two flowering plants with their "don't ever give up attitudes" are making the garden a real delight this year. There have been days of late when I've felt like walking off the job, but these two winners along with my mom, keep reminding me that every day is a gift and we must fill each one with as much grace as we can muster.

Sketching November ... For Poetry Thursday

Maples in November

Gray days in November bring about feelings of melancholy for me. The bright colors of spring, summer and fall are hidden, waiting for the planet's tilt to bring the sun once more over the northern hemisphere, when the explosion of color will begin again, taking us into the warmer seasons.

Sketching November

Eyes trace limbs
Across a somber sky

I draw lines staining
An emptiness no hand can fill

It's not the trees I desire
Only the murmur of leaves

jzr

My Mother's legacy ... for one deep breath

Mom before her diagnosis playing "choo choo" with great grandson Noah

The prompt on One Deep Breath this week is "legacy." Here is haibun about my favorite teacher, my mom.

At 83, she has lung cancer, emphysema and a host of other small dilemmas grinding away at her her body. The cancer has been treated with chemo. It’s dimished but not gone ... still hanging in there in one small spot.

tangled in her breathing tube
she says *#@+
then giggles

shrugs and smiles
confesses a great life
laughs at the smallest provocation

“Chemo brain fog,” renders her confused and shaky. It may get better with time, but probably not ... especially if she decides to do more chemo. She’s taking a break now. Will reconsider in three months after the next scan.

losing names dates
forgetting fouls the road
confusing conversation

I ask her to give me her keyes. Anger at first, then peace, as if she’s relieved. Now she says it’s the best thing she has done for herself ... is celebratory.

her spirit shines
through clouded days
she is my mother

teaching her children
patience
hope eternal love

jzr

Giving Thanks

We return thanks to our mother, the Earth
which sustains us.
We return thanks to the rivers and streams,
which supply us with water.
We return thanks to all herbs,
which furnish medicines for the cure of our diseases.
We return thanks to the moon and stars,
which have given to us their light when the sun was gone.
We return thanks to the sun,
which has looked upon the Earth with a beneficent eye.
Lastly, we return thanks to the Great Spirit, in Whom is embodied all goodness,
and Who directs all things for the good of Her children.

THANKSGIVING PRAYER, IROQUOIS

Chicken Soup ... for One Deep Breath

river in autumn

The brothers arrive today from New England for Thanksgiving. last week I cooked up a pot of chicken soup for anyone who shows signs of cold or flu while they're here .... my grandmother's recipe .... so delicious and warming. It's filled with carrots, onions, parsnips, brown rice and tender chicken. We'll have it for dinner tonight with crunchy sour dough and a big tossed salad. Perfect for a chilly autumn evening!!

smell of chicken soup
warming on the stove
grandma’s penicillin
for soothing scratchy throats


Look for more haiku here describing sensory pleasures!

Fall Meadow

Most of the leaves are gone from the trees now ... the meadow fades to gold, bronze, brown, shades of beige ... colors of the season 'til warm sun and spring rain bring the grasses alive and the world turns green once again. The wood across the river displays lines of trunks and branches. Mounds of mountain laurel remain green through the cold and at night a few lights from several houses across the water whisper that others live here too.

I've called friend Phil and he'll come with his tractor sometime in the next weeks to mow the meadow down. I have this done every fall to keep the blackberries, honeysuckle, kudzu and oriental bittersweet at bay. I may have it cut again in the spring after the first flush of growth and I determine that these highly invasive species are getting out of "control." I hate doing it but I want to keep some space open for native grasses and wild flowers that would be gone if I let the others take over.

When we first moved here almost 6 years ago, the meadow was a "lawn" of weeds, cut weekly. We have let it grow except for the paths and the annual cutting. The varieties of wild flowers has increased and so have the blackberries which attract a multitude of birds and small mammals to feast throughout the summer.

I try to keep the meadow looking tidy and to provide some habitat for the local population of wild creatures. The growth also keeps silt from running off into the river from this piece of land. But I also fool myself ... I can't, don't control much here. The bittersweet I spotted growing down on the river bank wasn't there last year ... this is the first I've seen of it in that location and it was most likely carried there by a gentle song bird ... perhaps a cardinal or the mockingbird that lives in the cedar tree down by my mother's door. The river continues to silt in and change from day to day ... the birds come and go with the seasons.

faded goldenrod

For now I enjoy the fading meadow, notice the bent grasses where the deer sleep at night and look forward to the first snow fall that will render what I see out my window an entirely different landscape.

Sunset On The River

sunset on the river

Sunsets are extremely beautiful here on the Rivanna during October and early November. As the sun lowers behind us in the west, the trees on the the east bank flare up like a massive bonfire ... the slow moving river catches every glint and flicker as the day comes to an end. We sit and watch, saluting each spark with a sip of wine and gratitude for our special place in this world.

Tonight we will also raise a glass to the changes that are about to begin taking place in our country. Yesterday's elections were a call to change the way we conduct ourselves in this world. I pray that those who have been elected will be able to bring peace and hope to our entire global community.

There was one major dissapointment. The marriage ammendment defining a marriage as a union between a man and a woman, will be attached to our state constitution. There will be no allowance for men or women of the same sex, living together, to enjoy the conveniences of living a loving life together ... whether they are sexually active together or not. This ammendment will effect everyone. Unmarried sisters, for instance, living together will no longer be able to will their belongings to each other, make medical decisions for each other and so on. Hopefully, this is not the end of the story.

Halloween Haibun ... for One Deep Breath

This week's prompt for One Deep Breath is to write Haibun ... a combination of prose and haiku. Here is my contribution along with photos of the pumpkin carving my grandkids did while visiting us on the Outer Banks just before Halloween. Find more examples of haibun here.

PLEASE DON'T FORGET TO VOTE TOMORROW!!

Blue Sky ... mild ocean breezes. Deena makes the first cut. Aha, a lid!! Zoe and Noah scoop stringy innards, draw faces with magic markers on bumpy skin. Deena wields her knife once more, cuts eyes, a nose, a mouth with missing teeth. Sun fills the empty shell!!

orange orb
filled with slimy seeds
a glowing jack-o-lantern

Photography Exhibition ... for Poetry Thursday

Yes, I'm back and I will post some photos from my vacation on the Outer Banks of North Carolina sometime in the next couple of days. It was a wonderfully relaxing time but I'm glad to be home.

This week's prompt for Poetry Thursday is to reflect on a favorite line of poetry or quote. I wrote this poem a number of years ago when I was deeply involved in exhibiting my photos. The above image is the invitation to my last exhibition in 1998.

Photography Exhibition

How can I say things that are pictures?
Tony Morrison

Split second
Perceptions

Enlarged
Flooded with light

Memory
Shadow

Portraits of myself
Behind the lens

Truth
Illusion

Hung like clothes
In the sun
To dry

jzr